Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bench Etiquette...The "Macho Man Technique"

Hello Parliament nation. Number 31 here serving you up a nice hot plate of Parliament knowledge.

As a Parliament member, we always have to be aware that the camera sometimes drifts over toward the bench and we might be seen doing something embarrassing, thus, ending up on "The Not So Top Ten Plays." No, it won't be us picking our noses or Dutch singing the Taylor Swift song that's playing during a timeout. Instead, it will be those times when the opposing team makes a great play that draws "ohhh's" and "Ahhh's" from the crowd. This is where bench etiquette comes into play. First, you can never react to a play by another team or a guy dunking on your entire squad. You must restrain yourself and wait until the ball goes down the other end. Then you place your warm-up over your mouth, lean over to a Parliament member and say,"Holy crap...that just happened." Second, as alluded to in the previous sentence use of the warm-up is key to bentch etiquette. There are those out there who can read lips. So we must be on the look out for people with such talent and never get caught saying things like,"Yo Jimmy, I think number 5's hair is much more fuller than yours. But he does have some split ends though."
Other bench etiquette techniques include Dutch and I simultaneously looking at Jimmy, not responding to his freshman like comment, shaking our heads side to side and looking back to the action. But the most important bench etiquette comes when your good friend Dutch Gaitley gets too hype and forgets that his friend, number 31, is still a 5'11, 180 pound guy and can not handle punches from a 6'10 tank. These are not punches out of anger. Rather, they are punches out of joy. Dutch occasionally (this has happened more than once) will make a prediction and say,"Jake, watch. We are going to hit a big three." In Miss Cleo like fashion, Dutchs fortune telling skills ring true and he in turn hits me in the chest saying,"I told you a big three man! I told you!" This is where the "Macho Man Technique" comes into play. Basically, if you were to meet Uma Thurmans character from  Kill Bill Vol.2 you would use this technique to counter the "Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique." First,  I wear a fake yet believable smile after I am hit in the chest 15 times.  I slowly sit down. Dutch has successfully knocked the wind out of me but I do not show it. Once again, I grab the warm-up and gasp for air. After recovering, I am finally able to speak and have used the technique flawlessly. I then continue my Parliamentary duties.

Go Owls!

Post Scriptum- Here is an update on "Touches"
John Poulos-5
Dutch Gaitley-4 (he almost had five when he tried to get a "touch" while the ball was in play. You have to admire his tenacity).



  1. how many times did dutch hit jake in the chest tonight...

  2. you guys put the "][" in family. you might say....there is no t in family. in which case i sir you are wrong.